It’s 10:40 AM. The chiming of bells from the loudspeakers signals the beginning of a pilgrimage of famished, enervated teenagers toward the lunch cafeteria. For those with the ability and foresight to prepare their meals beforehand, they may begin their feast with the start of the break. For the rest of us, the daunting visage of the lunch lines stand between us and our mediocre poultry sandwiches. Over our personal tenure at Marriotts Ridge High School, we have witnessed the development and execution of several strategies for optimal acquisition of schoolhouse nutrition.
The traditional approach of taking one’s place at the back of the lunch lines is as simple as it is flawed. Inexperienced underclassmen may join the flock due to lack of better strategy; these people are mere sheep. Many of those individuals will find that they must wait for exorbitant periods of time, in large part due to the prevalence of cutting within such lines. Although appealing due to its simplicity, this approach is naïve in its understanding and adaptation to the lunch room environment.
Arguably the most direct strategy that has developed has been the mad dash, wherein students optimize departure from their classrooms and scamper throughout the halls in hopes of securing a place at the head of the great cafeteria snake. Out of the commonly observed lunch strategies, this is by far the most proactive approach; with enough effort (and a bit of luck), driven students may secure their daily provision with utmost haste. Students who make it to the front of the line experience a unique surplus of food options, as the most scrumptious lunch meals like baked chicken are oftentimes first come, first served. As Sun Tzu stated in The Art of War, “What is of the greatest importance in war is extraordinary speed: one cannot afford to neglect opportunity.” Indeed, the speed and physical prowess required to employ this strategy may also be its greatest weaknesses. The likelihood of success in reaching the front of the line depends heavily on the location of one’s prior educational subject, creating an unfair disadvantage for students in suboptimally placed classrooms. In a race to be the best, few may emerge victorious; those who fail to lead the pack shall be swept away with the masses. In addition, rushing to obtain sustenance means that students may not spend as much time engaging in schoolyard revelries with their peers. Just as a rolling stone fails to collect moss, so too does the speedy student fail to interact with their peers in the rush for nourishment.
In our opinion, the best approach to the lunch line is a patient one; by staying put until the cafeteria rush begins to wane, students may avoid the chaos of long lines while still utilizing the lunch period for productive activities. In the words of Sun Tzu, “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” The primary advantage of this method is its efficiency—no time is misspent uselessly standing in line. Time that would have otherwise been wasted can be dedicated to conversation with associates or the completion of schoolwork. Additionally, in terms of the broader health of the cafeteria environment, this strategy welcomes less crowding of the lines, permitting a more efficient transfer of lunch to students. Mass adoption of this technique could significantly lower average line lengths. This approach comes with notable risks, however. Timing is crucial; if one is not careful, the line could close before they can eat. In our experience, the line reaches an optimal length after about ten minutes. While this approach offers freedom and flexibility, it requires careful planning to ensure students still get enough to eat. Practitioners of this strategy run the risk of reaching the line after the day’s food stores have already been exhausted.
Regardless of students’ chosen strategy, they must retain their chivalric honor when approaching the battle that is cafeteria food pursuit. One shall not bring ignominy to their family name by partaking in such devious activities as cutting between an established lunch line order, thereby advancing oneself at the expense of others. Perchance.